I'm tired. Really, really, really tired. Tired of not feeling "good enough". Tired of caring about how I look. How you look. How everyone fucking looks.
"Dress for Your Shape!"
"Flattering Swimsuits for Every Figure!"
"The 10 Best Moves for Flat Abs!"
"The Best Beach Hair How-To!"
Like shut up. Shut the fuck up. I get it. I get the fucking point. I know there is a certain "acceptable" (tiny waist, big boobs, small thighs, big ass) image that men "find attractive" (want to fuck) and is it my responsibility to adhere to it. If I do not adhere to these "standards" my value as a women is pretty much worthless.
I'm tired of it. Carrying the weight of it all on my shoulders. It's so exhausting. Hating myself. Feeling the fat around my waist and wanting to cut it out or off. Thinking so many gross, awful, terrible things to myself when I get dressed or take a shower.
Jordan doesn't help. He's too timid, too closed off to give me actual compliments. He doesn't ever tell me how he feels about my body, he just tells me I'm pretty and he loves me. Like his love should somehow erase all my insecurities. Because in his head its all about him. He thinks I'm pretty so automatically I should too. Instead of showing me by touching my chubby belly and thighs or making me feel appreciated physically. He just doesn't get it how it feels to hate your body as much as I do.
I feel it all starting to slip. All of it. This current chapter of my life. Like all the other ones, I can feel the foundation crack. I'm not happy and no amount of rational thinking and patience is going to change that.
Damn.