In 121 says I will be walking down the aisle to marry Jordan. I will change my last name and enter into a totally different chapter of my life.
Yesterday when we were at the beach after work, there were a bunch of young guys & gals with great bodies bouncing all around us, enjoying their summer and youth. I of course made some comment about how I don't look like the girls, and Jordan laughed and gestured to his body and said "I don't look like the guys either!" (He's a pretty skinny guy, with lots of chest hair, a chest tattoo and a bunch of harmless skin spots he's had since birth.) And it FINALLY dawned on me, I am MARRYING this man, besides my own, his opinion is all that matters. And he thinks I'm beautiful and soft and sexy. Neither of us is anywhere close to the ideal physique, and that's fucking great. It doesn't matter if any other human being finds me attractive for the rest of my life. The one person who matters already does. And he is enough.
Before, he was never enough. His opinion almost fell on deaf ears. I was looking everywhere else for the validation that was standing right next to me. And blaming him for a lot of how I was feeling. If you look back, even at my last post, I shift blame onto him for how I feel about myself. And that is bullshit. I realize that now. It was like a chip on my shoulder. Some needless weight that I finally shook off.
The way I look does not define my worthiness as a person. I need to say this over and over until I actually believe it.