I remember being so nervous. SO nervous. It was my first real date. I did a ton of research. Looked at art galleries, events, anything artsy for us to do. I didn't know anything about him yet. All I knew was that he was a painter and a cook. He was quiet, reserved and so cool. Like, the definition of cool. I am loud and awkward, the opposite of cool. But, nonetheless, I was waiting on the corner of East 4th and Prospect at 1pm on Thursday 10/11/12 for him to pick me up.
We first headed to the William Busta Gallery on Prospect. It was one of the only cool galleries I could find that was open. Thinking back on it, it was so lame. But I was trying so hard to connect with him and the only thing I had to go on was art. After about 10 minutes of us walking around pretending to be interested in the weird art on the walls, we headed to the Cleveland Museum of Art to check out this cool balloon exhibit they had going on. The exhibit was 2,000 purple balloons blown up and kept in a glass room that you could walk through. I thought it would be cute and romantic. So naturally they only let you in one at a time and I didn't even see him in there. I remember getting to one of the walls/windows and just looking outside and thinking "What the hell are you doing?".
We went to MOCA next, it was right around the corner and had only opened 2 days prior. It was really cool and we relaxed a little bit. Then he asked me if I was hungry and where I'd want to go. Since he's the cook I asked where he wanted to go:
"The only place I ever want to go on my day off is Ginko, would you want to go there?"
Ginko is a sushi restaurant. At the time I thought I hated sushi. So I lied. Straight up.
" Sure, I've never been to Ginko! Let's check it out."
It turned out to be one of the best meals of my entire life and we have been back about 15 times over the last 3 years. We have taken our friends there. We tell everyone it's the best restaurant in Cleveland. And it always reminds me of our first date.
Yes, technically we are broken up. I am not Jordan's girlfriend and he is not my boyfriend. We chose not to move in together again after living together last year. Not because of anger, or fighting or anything negative. We let our friendship take over and forgot to be lovers. I was waiting for my fairy tale and since this wasn't perfect I assumed it was still out there. I stopped trying to kiss him all over his face in the morning and every night we just rolled over and went to bed. We just gave up.
Over the past 6 months those reasons that we broke up seem so dumb. It's me. It's my fault. I didn't want to work on the issue. I just wanted it fixed. And other guys were giving me attention, and my girlfriends kept saying it's not worth it.
So we moved out and into our places. And decided we needed our space.
But we helped each other move. And kept texting each other. And calling each other. And hanging out. And being each other's dates for things. And now he is the most important human being in my life. The only one who knows me and feels like home.
Last night he made cucumber avocado rolls for our "anniversary".
It was perfect. We watched Halloween 6 with Paul Rudd and I went home at 8pm because we were both sleepy.
I'm finding out more and more that love, real love, is a choice just as much as it isn't. Yes I know we don't choose who we fall in love with, but we do choose how long we are in love with that person for. I gave up on Jordan and I because our one issue is tough for me. Almost impossible. My ego and self-esteem cannot handle it. Or so I thought. This past summer I had a few "flings" if you would. With really talented, handsome boys. But something is always missing. And none of them made me want to give up Jordan. Not even close. The opposite actually. I missed him more.
I know I usually talk everything, but Jordan is a private person. And while I hope you can all guess where our issue stems from (the bedroom), I just can't go into detail. It's not just him, it's me too. I have a lot of image issues and it causes me to shut down and if the guy I'm with isn't all over me or making the first move I feel gross and can't get past it.
So here I am. Three years later. Trying to make the right choices and not lose things that I will regret later. Like this amazing human being standing right in front of me.