I got up at 6 am today. Seeing the sunrise is very personal. It seems to quiet the whole world. Blues and golds cascade over steel and concrete. Time slowly yawns and begins moving, stretching across and warming the city, already anxious for the day to begin.
Downtown Cleveland, my walk down West 6th to my building.
I forget from time to time that things I post on social media sites aren't just for me, that others can see them, have an opinion about them, and then proceed to voice their opinion in the form of a comment. (Duh Tessa, get it together.) When this happens I am often reminded how different I am from other people. My ability to look at things from someone else's point of view is a Super Power for sure.
If it's a good friend of mine voicing their opinion, I can picture them reading my post. I can see them relating it to themselves, and then tearing it apart in their head based on their experiences. It's mainly women, older women, who feel that they need to impart some sort of wisdom on me. It usually comes from a place of love, but feels more like a pity pat on the head. Like I'm an immature little girl and my emotion is met with rolled eyes and a "Oh honey, everyone has problems" type attitude.
I know everyone has problems. I know that famous people have miscarriages and get cancer. That doesn't change a thing about what I was saying. But you know what, looking back at it, I apologize. I'm sure it's my fault. I worded something wrong. Over generalized. My bad. Won't happen again.
The comments made by these ladies got me thinking though. We accept failure and complacency from those around us too easily. I am very well aware that failure is a part of every creative process. Failure teaches up more than success does. But only if you learn from those failures. Grow from them. Me saying I don't have my shit together is real. And also saying that I should is a real, true statement. I don't need to hear "Oh honey, no one has their shit together, that's life." Well that's fucking dumb. We should have our shit together. And if we don't, then we should band together and help each other out. We need to stop accepting so many things that we have the power to change. Myself included. Instead of posting on social media that everyone gets "it" but me, I should constructively think and create a plan for me to start getting "it" too. And my girlfriends were just being nice, trying to not make me feel so alone by saying my pain is felt by everyone. I understand it, I do. I just don't agree with that thinking anymore.
I can't change the past, although I have been dwelling on it a lot lately. I think it has to do with my Dad living me. He has never been able to take care of himself. Never gave me any life advice, like about credit or college or saving. If he didn't have children he would be homeless or dead. That is not an exaggeration. That is a fact. My mother isn't much better off. She wouldn't be dead or homeless, but who knows what she would have done with her life. Both of them are in their 60's, live in poverty, don't have anything saved for retirement and live off of Social Security.
I should have seen all these signs earlier, gone to college and made something of myself. But instead I'm trying to do that now. I know it's not too late, but it is extremely difficult. I just signed up for a 401K, I pay my student loans every month, I'm working on fixing my credit from some mistakes I made when I was younger (2 ER visits I never paid for when I lived in California) and I keep a running budget for every paycheck. I keep making plans, asking myself questions, and pushing myself to figure out a sustainable plan for my future. This website is a big part of that. It helps me think out loud and see mental progress being made.
For now I just need to finish "How to Fly a Horse" and stop comparing myself to others. I need to have that on repeat in my head...
I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others, I will not compare myself to others......