Last night I realized I hadn't written anything in awhile. I also realized that's probably because I'm not as depressed as I was. Why do I only like to write and express myself when I'm sad/upset/mad/depressed about something? That's lame. And weird. And I also don't think I'm alone in this behavior.
Tuesday August 18th was my low point. It was the worst I have ever felt about myself and my self worth. I drank too much and wallowed in my negativity, throwing myself around my apartment like Marla Singer. It was a necessary embarrassment. Even though the only person who saw me in that state was me, I woke up the next day and felt the need to apologize to my real self, like "T, I am so so sorry I thought and said such awful things about you last night. You know I don't really think that don't you?! You I love and trust you right?!"
Yes. Yes I know. Now it's my job to NEVER FORGET THAT.
First order of business is to stop taking happiness for granted. There are amazing parts of my life:
My Home- I live alone on the upstairs of a duplex in my favorite neighborhood. I have a yard, porch, parking spot and great people who live around me. I get to infuse my place with every aspect of my personality and life. It's my sanctuary.
My Job- I have a wonderful job in the technology field. I made a terrifying career move 2 months ago and I think it's safe to say it worked out. There are opportunities for growth and my coworkers are exceptional.
My Best Friends- I have a few humans I care about more than words will never be able to express. Just to name a few...Jordan, Julie, Natalie, Lindsey, Chris, Kaley, Samantha, Shandra, Erin, Alice, Amber, Sarah G, Stacy, Catherine, Chandra, Natallia, Rachael, Danna & Charles and so many more. Man, I really am a lucky, lucky T.
I am also started to cultivate a real hobby. Photography. It constantly occupies my mind and I find every aspect of it interesting. From landscapes, portraits, models, settings, Polaroids, film, everything. It's fucking wonderful.
I feel like all of this connected somehow. Being thankful, driven, humble and curious. Having empathy and being able to always put myself in someone else's shoes. Having those terrible nights, but not being afraid to talk about. We really are all in this together. No matter how many walls we put up or how lonely we may prefer to be, we learn from each other. We watch and mimic and react to things that have happened to others, because intrinsically we feel for them and with them. The voyeuristic tendencies that social media has cultivated in us has a real purpose. Ignorance and this idea that hate of any kind is okay is finally, slowly, getting torn apart. The need to connect and understand is having this amazing chain reaction of love and happiness.
We will never be able to eliminate fear, and fear is the driving force behind all negativity and hate we as humans feel. Our primal instincts, still raw and alive, are triggered and feel the need to instantly react whenever we feel fearful. From small daily insecurities to life or death situations, fear drives and dictates so much of our actions. For instance, my fear that no one will ever find me beautiful makes me hateful and jealous toward other women that i feel have that beauty. I am aware of it and constantly work to change the way I feel, but that tiny, fearful voice still tries to echo from deep within.