I found this the other day and laughed. I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it. Man, was I pissed. I was hurt and bratty and wanted to lash out SO bad. But I didn't. Instead I actually learned something. Something about myself and the nature of relationships:
Even though I know I shouldn’t care I do. Even though I know how toxic and dangerous of a person you are, I still check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you texted me.
You haven’t. And you won’t.
But this time is different. This time instead of calling you, or texting you or showing up and forcing you to interact with me, I’m going to be silent.
I’m going to talk to myself instead of you. Yell in my brain all the things I can’t say to you. I’m going to go through the motions: venting, crying, but alone. Every time I feel the need to “let you know” how I feel or what I think, I say it out loud and let it hang in the air, clinging for life before fading away. I mean, it’s not really for you anyway.
You are never going to change or realize how destructive you are. You are simply going to find other people you can manipulate, control and make new relationships. And as fucking hard as it to imagine you giving another girl attention, it’s for the fucking best.
You are terrible for me. You are selfish, immature and uncommunicative. The world revolves around you and you have this incredible ability to not give a shit.
Well I give a shit. So Fuck Off.
And he did fuck off, naturally.
I am not a silent person. I am not a "wait 3 days before texting back" type at all. I will do and say what I want in regards to how I feel no matter what. But sometimes that is just not necessary. In the moment I may feel like it's getting something off my chest so I have some closure, but it's really not that.
I want attention from that person. Any type of attention. I just want to have more more conversation, one more bonding moment, before it's over. Maybe I can convince them to stay! Maybe they will see it my way! Maybe one more text will save this whole thing.
It can't and it won't.
Now when I feel the need to say anything I really try to dig deep and evaluate WHY I need to say something. I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of the time it's to get a reaction or attention. I want to "make my point" or "say one more thing". It's so exhausting and demeaning.
When some people are done, they are just done. No more explaining, no need for attention, no stupid emotional text messages. It's puzzled me for so long. Like how can you not have anything to say?!! I'm dying over here, bursting with so many things to say it can drive me nuts.
I still don't quite have the answer nailed down yet, but I feel like it has a lot to do with ego. Not egotistical in the sense that these people are full of themselves. But that deep down inside they feel like in the end, they are going to be okay. That they aren't missing out on something by leaving. They don't have that "one more think to say" or a point to get across. They are content enough with themselves to always feel like there are more fish in the sea and the journey will continue.
I of course, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I constantly feel like I'm the one missing out and somehow this person is all I've wanted and I have to fix this situation. It's very hard to stop doing that. I've gotten a lot better these last few years, but that feeling will still creep up in the pit of my stomach. That quiet, sinking feeling of being rejected and left out. Of not being good enough. But maybe that's okay. Maybe, instead of beating myself up over being the talkative, emotional one, I should embrace it and simply channel it more wisely.
We all have certain habits and behaviors when it comes to relationships. How we react, what we allow and how we engage with another human beings is an ever evolving part of our lives. We need to constantly be getting better. We need to be able to look in the mirror and ask ourselves honest questions and do the hard work to find out the answers. I do it all the time, not on purpose or because I want to though. My mind just races: How can I react better in that situation? Why did I feel the need to say that? What was my real motivation? Why am I so annoyed by this situation? What's really going on here? What could have been so and so's motivation for saying that? And on and on and on and on. All day.
Sometimes I hate being so empathetic. Like, I always get it. I always get where someone is coming from, even when they are ripping my heart out of chest or just silently never answering me again, I always get it.
As Catherine would say, that's part of my Super Power. I am a Fixer. I Fix things. People, situations, holes in shirts. So being able to evaluate things from all sides really comes in handy. It's also exhausting. But with great power comes great responsibility....