Oh boy. Being "woke as fuck" as the kids say these days is an exhausting state of existence. There are a million things I can talk about in regards to that, but the one that cuts the deepest is the whole idea and perception of women and femininity. What does it mean to be a women? Traditionally what's been shoved down our throats is a women is an object of sexual desire for men. We exist solely for men to find us attractive and fuck us. That's it. That's what a women is. A sexual object.
What's surprising to me is how obvious that message is once you notice it, and how deep the level of denial is. Women can do everything men can do. As long as we are considered "attractive." Because first and foremost do not forget, a women is an object. So she must always look shiny and pretty. Silent and obedient. And if she is loud, bossy and smart, then she better be a bad bitch. Hot as fuck. A supermodel. Because then it's tolerable. Because at least she's still pretty. She's still the best accessory. Her attitude only adds to her beauty. As long as she's beautiful mind you.
This is the message every single little girl is taught. Right now. Today. Right this second millions of little girls are watching shows and movies and reading books that will cement this idea in their heads for a lifetime. Promoting dresses, make-up, long hair, manners, care-taking and being pretty. We all tell little girls they are pretty before we tell them they are smart. And it's fucked up. So fucked up. Because now I care more about how I look than how I act.
I went out to a popular bowling alley bar in Lakewood on Saturday and while I was in the bathroom there were about 5 girls in their late teens/early 20's taking photos of themselves. I slowly washed my hands so I could eavesdrop a little. And geez, the things they were saying were just sad. Before cell phones the women's bathroom was a safe haven. Where girls gossiped and shared lip gloss and smoked cigarettes. They laughed and relaxed for a second before straightening up and heading back out into the jungle. Now they take a thousand pictures in an effort to get attention on social media and critique each other. "Pull your shoulders back" "Your boobs look better in the other pose" "Don't smile like that your face looks weird". Like, Jesus Christ. Ew. Just stop.
But I do this to MYSELF everyday. Say awful things in the mirror and tear my little ego into a million pieces. Getting dressed is terrible. Even now after losing a little weight and working out regularly, I still have a gut. I'm still 40 pounds heavier than most women, regardless of if I am gross, I feel gross.
So I'm trying to unwash my brain. To practice what I preach and stop caring about how I look and what others think about how I look. It's an impossible task, but the sting is getting less potent.