Tuesdays Suck.

Today sucks. I hate everyone. 

Those are my initial feelings towards Tuesday. Bratty, angsty, dumb feelings. It's like when I first realized that life wasn't fair when I was in elementary school. I remember stomping my little foot and yelling at my mom, "But that's NOT FAIR!!" 

"Life's not fair Tessa." She said it so matter of factly. Like duh.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Like really? It's not? Well fuck, that sucks.

I was such a serious kid. An idealistic, serious kid who day dreamed all the time. Instead of "resting bitch face" I have "resting pout face". I always just kinda look bummed out, like everyday I forget the world isn't fair and everyday something new reminds me. 

Yesterday I realized that I'm a mess. I am a whole thing. I am not a catch. I am not what someone is looking for.  I lie way too much. And for no real reason. It's so shitty and I need to stop. It's only to guys too. I'm really good at just saying what they want to hear because it's so easy. But then I instantly get bored because I hate things that are easy. But I'm the one being an asshole. It's a weird cycle I need to get out of.  It's partly because I want to be able to have my cake and eat it to. I want to be able to do whatever I want, and if a lie will help facilitate that, then I just go for it. It's such a shitty manipulative thing to do. It's also partly that fucking dumb fear of missing out. I need to keep people, to string them along until I can figure out what I want to do with them. 

Man it's such bullshit. I hate myself for it. It's probably at the root of me being so unhappy. I can't find any fulfillment because I'm not being open and honest. I feel like no one really knows me. Of course they don't! I don't let anybody in and I lie to keep people away. Great job Tessa.  Jordan was the last guy I was honest with. I fell for him in real life. He's still the only guy who actually knows me. It's tough that we just could never figure out the romance side of our relationship. We love each other so much. So Much. But I don't think we were ever in love with each other at the same time. It's been such a confusing thing for me to figure out and move through.  

Although I am an asshole, I still hate to hurt people's feelings. That's another huge reason I lie to them. I tell what they want to hear, or what I think they want to hear, to spare them from what I think might hurt their feelings. But I don't really even know them so who the fuck am I to decide what would hurt them?!

That's another epiphany I had yesterday. I do not know these people. Just because I've met someone once or twice and we text often doesn't mean I have any clue who they really are.  I don't know their families, friends, fears, passions, anything. So why all the bullshit? 

I don't know. I don't fucking know. But it's going to stop today. Right the fuck now. No more stupid fucking lies. No more assuming I know what's going on in some dude's head. Just no more. 

I mean, It's Not Really for You Anyway

I found this the other day and laughed. I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it. Man, was I pissed. I was hurt and bratty and wanted to lash out SO bad. But I didn't. Instead I actually learned something. Something about myself and the nature of relationships:

Even though I know I shouldn’t care I do. Even though I know how toxic and dangerous of a person you are, I still check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you texted me.

You haven’t. And you won’t.

But this time is different. This time instead of calling you, or texting you or showing up and forcing you to interact with me, I’m going to be silent. 

I’m going to talk to myself instead of you. Yell in my brain all the things I can’t say to you. I’m going to go through the motions: venting, crying, but alone. Every time I feel the need to “let you know” how I feel or what I think, I say it out loud and let it hang in the air, clinging for life before fading away. I mean, it’s not really for you anyway. 

You are never going to change or realize how destructive you are. You are simply going to find other people you can manipulate, control and make new relationships. And as fucking hard as it to imagine you giving another girl attention, it’s for the fucking best.

You are terrible for me. You are selfish, immature and uncommunicative. The world revolves around you and you have this incredible ability to not give a shit. 

Well I give a shit. So Fuck Off. 

And he did fuck off, naturally.

I am not a silent person. I am not a "wait 3 days before texting back" type at all. I will do and say what I want in regards to how I feel no matter what. But sometimes that is just not necessary.  In the moment I may feel like it's getting something off my chest so I have some closure, but it's really not that.

I want attention from that person. Any type of attention. I just want to have more more conversation, one more bonding moment, before it's over. Maybe I can convince them to stay! Maybe they will see it my way! Maybe one more text will save this whole thing.

It can't and it won't.

Now when I feel the need to say anything I really try to dig deep and evaluate WHY I need to say something. I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of the time it's to get a reaction or attention. I want to "make my point" or "say one more thing". It's so exhausting and demeaning.

When some people are done, they are just done. No more explaining, no need for attention, no stupid emotional text messages. It's puzzled me for so long. Like how can you not have anything to say?!! I'm dying over here, bursting with so many things to say it can drive me nuts.

I still don't quite have the answer nailed down yet, but I feel like it has a lot to do with ego. Not egotistical in the sense that these people are full of themselves. But that deep down inside they feel like in the end, they are going to be okay. That they aren't missing out on something by leaving. They don't have that "one more think to say" or a point to get across. They are content enough with themselves to always feel like there are more fish in the sea and the journey will continue.

I of course, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I constantly feel like I'm the one missing out and somehow this person is all I've wanted and I have to fix this situation. It's very hard to stop doing that. I've gotten a lot better these last few years, but that feeling will still creep up in the pit of my stomach. That quiet, sinking feeling of being rejected and left out. Of not being good enough. But maybe that's okay. Maybe, instead of beating myself up over being the talkative, emotional one, I should embrace it and simply channel it more wisely.

We all have certain habits and behaviors when it comes to relationships. How we react, what we allow and how we engage with another human beings is an ever evolving part of our lives. We need to constantly be getting better. We need to be able to look in the mirror and ask ourselves honest questions and do the hard work to find out the answers.  I do it all the time, not on purpose or because I want to though. My mind just races: How can I react better in that situation? Why did I feel the need to say that? What was my real motivation? Why am I so annoyed by this situation? What's really going on here? What could have been so and so's motivation for saying that? And on and on and on and on. All day.

Sometimes I hate being so empathetic. Like, I always get it. I always get where someone is coming from, even when they are ripping my heart out of chest or just silently never answering me again, I always get it.

As Catherine would say, that's part of my Super Power. I am a Fixer. I Fix things. People, situations, holes in shirts. So being able to evaluate things from all sides really comes in handy. It's also exhausting. But with great power comes great responsibility....

Taking Happiness for Granted.

Last night I realized I hadn't written anything in awhile. I also realized that's probably because I'm not as depressed as I was. Why do I only like to write and express myself when I'm sad/upset/mad/depressed about something? That's lame. And weird. And I also don't think I'm alone in this behavior.

Tuesday August 18th was my low point. It was the worst I have ever felt about myself and my self worth. I drank too much and wallowed in my negativity, throwing myself around my apartment like Marla Singer. It was a necessary embarrassment. Even though the only person who saw me in that state was me, I woke up the next day and felt the need to apologize to my real self, like "T, I am so so sorry I thought and said such awful things about you last night. You know I don't really think that don't you?! You I love and trust you right?!"

Yes. Yes I know. Now it's my job to NEVER FORGET THAT. 

First order of business is to stop taking happiness for granted. There are amazing parts of my life:

My Home- I live alone on the upstairs of a duplex in my favorite neighborhood. I have a yard, porch, parking spot and great people who live around me. I get to infuse my place with every aspect of my personality and life. It's my sanctuary.

My Job- I have a wonderful job in the technology field.   I made a terrifying career move 2 months ago and I think it's safe to say it worked out. There are opportunities for growth and my coworkers are exceptional. 

My Best Friends- I have a few humans I care about more than words will never be able to express. Just to name a few...Jordan, Julie, Natalie, Lindsey, Chris, Kaley, Samantha, Shandra, Erin, Alice, Amber, Sarah G, Stacy, Catherine, Chandra, Natallia, Rachael, Danna & Charles and so many more. Man, I really am a lucky, lucky T. 

I am also started to cultivate a real hobby. Photography. It constantly occupies my mind and I find every aspect of it interesting. From landscapes, portraits, models, settings, Polaroids, film, everything. It's fucking wonderful. 

I feel like all of this connected somehow. Being thankful, driven, humble and curious. Having empathy and being able to always put myself in someone else's shoes. Having those terrible nights, but not being afraid to talk about. We really are all in this together. No matter how many walls we put up or how lonely we may prefer to be, we learn from each other. We watch and mimic and react to things that have happened to others, because intrinsically we feel for them and with them. The voyeuristic tendencies that social media has cultivated in us has a real purpose. Ignorance and this idea that hate of any kind is okay is finally, slowly, getting torn apart. The need to connect and understand is having this amazing chain reaction of love and happiness.

We will never be able to eliminate fear, and fear is the driving force behind all negativity and hate we as humans feel. Our primal instincts, still raw and alive, are triggered and feel the need to instantly react whenever we feel fearful. From small daily insecurities to life or death situations, fear drives and dictates so much of our actions. For instance, my fear that no one will ever find me beautiful makes me hateful and jealous toward other women that i feel have that beauty. I am aware of it and constantly work to change the way I feel, but that tiny, fearful voice still tries to echo from deep within.